Please help me I am drowning

When I was a child I was in the pool in the deeper area, and I had gotten out too deep. I was not a strong swimmer, I couldn't reach the bottom and I started to panic as my head started to sink under. Fighting as much as I could to keep above the water popping up and down as I quickly grew tired someone noticed my struggle and reach their hand to me and pulled me up. Sometimes we feel suffocated by all that is going wrong around us, we are struggling to breath, fighting for every breath as we franticly try to keep our heads above the water trying not to drown. Our hearts weighing so heavy, we can't see anyway how we can go on and keep fighting. Loosing our grip on hope. Just when we are about to give up and think we can't possibly take anymore He reaches His hand down and pulls us up. There have been times where I have and now feel like this. I have seen where I was lost in this deep hole, where it was just one thing after another, struggling just to make it through the day fearing what else could go wrong. Loosing hope and trust that God would glorify through that situation, fear and doubt creeping in and consuming me.

My husband and I were driving home from a visit to Maryland it was about 11pm and we decided to switch drivers because Greg was getting tired, we still had another 5 hours of driving to go. I climbed into the driver seat and we were back on our way home. Ten minutes after we switched, something hit us so hard it knocked the air out of me, I couldn't see anything or make out what had happened or what was happening. The car was spinning so violently, with the dark of night and seeing the other cars headlights spinning so fast it was impossible to see what was happening. When I didn't think it could get any worse we were hit again with great force, and then again and again. The whole time I just gripped the steering wheel as tight as I could trying my best in vain to maintain control of the car. Once I was able to catch my breath I started to cry out, very softly at first "Oh God" "Oh God!!" All I could do is keep crying out Oh God over and over and over again. It started out soft and increased in volume as the spinning and violent thrusts continued to hit our car. Meanwhile  I hear Greg sitting beside in a still small voice say " its gonna be ok" "Its ok sweetheart, were going to be ok" Finally the car came to a stop. Where we had started out in the first right hand lane we ended up 4 or 5 lanes over against a concrete barrier in the farthest left hand lane. As cars were passing our car you could hear the loud sound of them crushing pieces of our car's debris under their tires. Greg being fearful we may get hit from behind he grabbed my hand and helped me get out of the car. We ran across the busy highway to get to the right shoulder. Other cars had stopped to see if we were ok, by that time once I knew we were safe I broke down and started sobbing, the great turmoil weighed so heavy in my heart and stomach I started to vomit. Greg was fearful cause he saw blood on the back of my head and on my shirt. As I was standing on the side of the road crying and throwing up Greg and a kind women who had stopped to help started to search where the bleeding was coming from. Looking under my shirt and carefully checking my head. There was no blood, not even a scratch. What we thought was blood was BBQ sauce and wild cheery slushies we had in our cooler that had exploded all over us on impact. The lady asked me if I knew what had happened, through my tears I said no. She informed us that a 18 wheeler going at least 90 hit us, spun us around and continued to hit us 2 more times until we bounced along the concrete barrier where we finally came to a stop.  

God held us in His hand, He kept us safe. Things will be going fine one day until your hit so hard it knocks the air out of you, and then when you think you've had enough you could get hit again, and again. Through it all though, you can hear God still small voice tell you "Its gonna be ok, Its ok sweetheart, your going to be ok."

A week or so after I delivered Sara, Greg and I decided I couldn't go home and we needed a place by ourselves to be a family. So we felt  God had led us to Tuscaloosa we were going to be faithful and trust that He would provide. Even though it had been months since we had put our house on the market we decided to get an apartment and continue to pay our mortgage. Greg went to our house to pack the truck and bring our stuff to our new home. My Aunt and Uncle had come that same weekend to visit, they met me the morning we were moving into our apartment  to check out the new place and visit. As they walked in my Aunt told me she had gotten a call from Greg that our house had been broken into and there was damage to the doors that were kicked in to gain entry and the TV was stolen and our medication had been ransacked. Not known yet if my wedding ring or other jewelry had been taken. It felt like such a personal blow. But God glorified in it. The brake in gave us enough money to pay the house payment, bought Greg the big flat screen he had been wanting. Most of all Caden and I weren't there when it had happened after it just being the two of us {me at the time being pregnant} there by ourselves.

The bible has so many examples of how there have been desperate, heart broken and drowning situations that God was there to carrying them through and bring ultimate glory to the end. Joesph in Genesis was thrown into a pit by his brothers to be later sold as a slave to be taken to Egypt, then falsely accused, imprisoned. He remained faithful, then be put in a position of being second in command and saving everyone including his family from a horrible drought. Ruth looses her husband, brother in law and father in law decides to not return home to her family and false God but remain faithful to the one True God and her mother in law. We can see how God provided for them, and protected them. Hanna in 1 Samuel was so grieved over not being able to get pregnant she cried out to God in her despair that the Priest thought she was drunk, God gave her a child which she gave back to Him and made Him a might man of God and also blessed her with 3 more sons and 2 daughters. In Job, He lost everything, his children, his wealth and he got really sick. But God carried him through, restored his health and gave back even more then what he had lost. In Mark the disciples and Jesus were in a boat, Jesus was sleeping and a furious squall came up and waves broke over the boat and it was nearly swamped. They woke Jesus and asked Him do you not care if we all drown, He stood up and calmed the storm.

When Peter climbed out of the boat to walk to Jesus  on the water, he took his eyes off him and started drown. Then Jesus reached out his hand to save him.  Thats what Satan wants us to do, is take our eyes off of Jesus so we can be swallowed by the storm. There is a popular saying that God wont give you more then you can handle, I have yet to find that in the bible. I believe He allows more then you can handle, because He is there to carry you through. Paul in 2 Corinthians said 

2 Corinthians 1

 ¹ Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,

   To the church of God in Corinth, together with all his holy people throughout Achaia:

 ² Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Praise to the God of All Comfort

 ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. ⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,^[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. ¹⁰He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹ as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

In Romans 8:28 it says:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

We can't take our eyes off Christ, He is always faithful and will never leave us. Right after Greg lost his job last year, we moved in with family till we could get back on our feet. I was 10 days late and thought I was pregnant. It was the 2 year anniversary of Sara's death. That night I started to have really bad pain that would last for about a minute or two then leave for a few minutes and then come back again. This went on for hours that night, I was scared and in a lot of pain but we didn't have insurance so I couldn't go see anyone. I started to bleed very heavily. After hours the pain settled down and I was able to sleep. The next morning I was broken hearted, about everything, one thing after another and I just cried out to God and told him I just need to know you love me. I was feeling abandoned and lost. I went to church and they started out with a lady who stepped up and sang a song " 

 WRITTEN IN RED 

VERSE 1 
In letters of crimson God wrote His love 
On a hillside so long, long ago 
For you and for me Jesus died 
And love’s greatest story was told 
  
CHORUS 
I love you, I love you 
That’s what Calvary said 
I love you, I love you 
I love you written in red 
  
VERSE 2 
Down through the ages God wrote His love 
With the same hands that suffered and bled 
Giving all that He had to give 
A message so easily read 
  
CHORUS 
I love you, I love you 
That’s what Calvary said 
I love you… 
Oh precious is the flow 
That makes me white as snow 
No other fount I know 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus 
  
CHORUS 
I love you, I love you 
That’s what Calvary said 
I love you, I love you 
I love you written in red

"I love you", He answered me and reassured me He was still there. 

Sometimes when we take our eyes off Him we get so desperate we need to cry out like His child. A few weeks after we delivered Sara a friend came over to visit with her new born and Caden and I held him and kissed his little toes. When it was time for them to leave I gave her her baby back and Caden cried out as he ran to block the door to prevent them from leaving, "That is my mommy's baby don't take her baby away." He was in great despair.  A few weeks later he was acting out and Greg asked him what is wrong, He being only two years old looked at Greg with tears in his eyes and said " I look around and around for you all the time, and I not see you and I miss you."

We need to cry out to Him as His children, and ask Him to reveal Himself to us, bring us peace and comfort. He hasn't left He is always there, we just sometimes can't see Him cause of everything going on. We need to ask Him for help to hear His still small voice telling us its going to be ok. He is always faithful to carry us through and see us through each and every trail and in the end He will make all things come together for good. 

The jacuzzi story

The night of my sisters wedding Caden I checked into a hotel, it had a huge jacuzzi right beside the bed. I made the jacuzzi into one really big bath. I didn't want to turn it on because I thought the noise would wake up Caden, but it was nice to relax in after the long day of her wedding and everything that goes with it. The next day we visited with my sister, brother in-law and remaining family one last time and said our good byes. Caden and I were both saddened about having to leave the next morning from North Dakota to return home to Alabama so we decided to go to the hotels indoor pool. We got in and stayed only a few minutes because the water was too cold, but didn't want to give up swimming. So we decided we were going to keep our swim suits on and make the jacuzzi back in our room a little pool. I filled it up just high enough for it to be mid waist for Caden, and made sure the water wasn't too hot. And again didn't turn it on cause I thought the bubbles would scare Caden, that and the water wasn't high enough. I told Caden to go ahead and get in, and I would be right there.I went behind the wall to take care of something for a minute, when I heard violent splashing, I rounded the corner fearing Caden had slipped in and was drowning, cause the sound of the splashing was so fierce.

The sight I saw took my breath away, and took me a few moment to process what was happening. Caden was standing beside the jacuzzi screaming, and there was water spraying with great force EVERYWHERE!!!! Caden  had tried to get in and accidentally turned the jets on to the jacuzzi. The water was spraying with such power like a fire hose, all over the wall, the door, a lounge chair and all over our opened suit case which was already at its max weight limit of 50lbs. All I could do for the longest was stand there in shock, just taking it all in, not sure where to go what to do. Just completely lost in that moment all I could see was water, WATER EVERYWHERE!!! I think if I had screamed no one would have even heard me from the sound of all the water spraying. Finally I was able to snap out of the shock and grabbed a towel and held it up like a shield in front of the main jet that was spraying all over the wall, chair and suitcase. I stood there trying to look past the water being sprayed in the face by the jet, trying to find the off button. But I couldn't see it anywhere, after a few moments and being completely drenched I yelled over the sound of crashing water to Caden and told him he needed to hold the towel so I could go around to the other side and see if I could find the off button. Yes I know what your thinking, I did indeed make my poor baby boy the human shield.  Caden held up the towel as high as he could as he was being violently pelted with water, I ran to the other side of the tub slipping and falling on the mounting water laying on the slick floor. I crabbed the side of the tub and pulled myself off franticly searching for the off button. I couldn't find it anywhere!!  The panic had engulfed my tired and drenched body. In the mist of it all, I saw a small little plastic sign, I calmed myself and ignored the hurricane going on around me to read the directions. "To turn on/off push silver button." I started to hit and slap everything on or around the jacuzzi that was silver in true caveman fashion. I pulled the plug out to drain the water, but it didn't seem to help.I called the front desk but no one answered. I was about to cry and give up I rested my hand on the side of the tub and then everything stopped. The on/off button was the size of a postage stamp. When I rested my hand on the side of the tub I had hit the tiny thin little button. Once the water had stopped spraying I looked around and saw all the water all over the wall from floor to ceiling, a soaked lounge chair, a pool of water standing on all our soaked clothes in our suit case and a very soggy carpet. I was terrified on what the hotel people would say, how much was this going to cost. I called my husband in tears, and he encouraged me to call the front desk and just be honest with them about what happened, his theory was they were going to find out sooner or later. I tried to call the front desk and again no answer, so I looked around and came up with a plan. I grabbed all the towels out of the bathroom and wiped down the walls and then put them on the floor. And like a big jerk , on the late night after my sisters wedding I called my brand new brother in-law and sister who were packing for their honeymoon and preparing for a very early flight, to see if they could dry our clothes in there drier. I wouldn't have minded taking them wet, but new with all the water it wouldn't be under 50lbs. After my brother in-law came and picked up the clothes {and I felt so bad, sorry Rachel and Jeff love you} I took the hotel's tiny hair drier which was mounted and tied to the wall in the bathroom and for almost 4 hours I stretched the cord as far as it would go, an blew dried the chair and carpet. 

But isn't life like that sometimes, things are going smoothly and then your blind sided and things start going crazy falling apart around you. Since I last wrote, my husband still hasn't found full time work, lost our health insurance, car troubles, had a very impressive flood of water rain down from the upstairs apartment causing damage to the cabinets and counter tops which their now going to have to rip out the whole kitchen to replace. We had a over a week where we had snow on the ground which cause a bunch of rats to take over the apartment unit, and they ate through 3 dish washers including mine and the reason for the flood. Sadly some of our food mainly cereal and dog food were taken in the flood or by the rats. One ER visit with a grandmother thinking she may be having a stroke. Then I was slammed with vertigo right in the middle of Sunday night bible study which also happened to be the same day as the of the flood. Caden had a horribly traumatic time at the pediatrics office where we failed his hearing and vision tests. And got several vaccines which cause fever and sever trembling and over all yucky feeling. And then we woke up early one morning hearing our little girl puppy dog Miley struggling to breath, and then watching her fall over from a seizure and later having to put her down cause she was too sick to recover. Too much more to mention.  It seems as though everything is falling apart and going crazy around us, but strangely enough, we have felt Gods supernatural peace and comfort through this time. And what would normally freaked us out, or torn us down we see Gods hand through it all. 

One way I can explain is our house was a mess in every room {which lets face is more times then not}I spent all day cleaning the whole house except for the kitchen where I had the dishes soaking, my husband comes home says nothing to me about the whole house only says something about the kitchen. I am guilty of it too, only being able to focus on what he isn't doing or did wrong completely ignoring all the right. It is so easy to focus on where things are going wrong in our lives because were surround by so much right that it makes the wrong stick out like a sour thumb where sometimes because of pain or sadness or fear, all we can see is the wrong. Through everything that has happened in the last weeks, I can tell you that God provided, God comforted, and I can see Him working. Greg and I are waiting to hear from LifeWay after two interviews, but in the meantime God provided Greg a job waiting tables.We may have had a flood, but we are getting a new kitchen out of it, and very thankful for being renters. God provided the money needed to fix the cars. Greg needed a school book which was over $200 and God provided money for that. God brought healing to Caden and saw him through the reactions to his vaccines and provided insurance for him because of the job loss. Through that insurance he was retested and has 20/20 vision. God not only provided us with the financial needs to be able to put our dog down, but brought us overwhelming peace and comfort. God provided through my job the ability to see a Doctor for the dizziness and  get medication needed at no cost. 

I could sit here and allow myself to be put in a whole and feel sorry for myself and ask why does all this have to happen to me. Why did I have to loose my daughter, why can't I get pregnant again, why does my husband have to loose his job right before Christmas and so on. But none of that will do any good. I cling to the hope God gives me, the peace and comfort He gives me and in return am filled with the joy He gives me. Being thankful that I have a beautiful Son and amazing husband, a great church family and group of friends. I am thankful I don't get what i deserve, cause what I deserve is death. God spared me the punishment of my sins, and didn't just leave me here to face this world on my own. This place is not my home I am merely passing through. Its like were all waiting in a waiting room sometimes its only a few minutes or it could be a hundred years. We've been waiting so long we met people, built lives for ourselves, built relationships, but were still waiting for our appointment. None of us our promised tomorrow, and this world can brake our hearts at times I am so blessed to not have to face my waiting alone. Regardless of what my life brings while I'm waiting, He stands there with me, to hold me and pick up the pieces of my broken heart and pick me up when I fall. You might ask well why did He allow me to fall in the first place. As much as I love Caden and wouldn't want to see any harm come to him, I could be standing right beside him and he could trip and fall and get hurt, but I am there to pick him up, hold him and wipe his tears and mend his boo boos. And if he listens I could tell him to be careful so he can avoid the fall. Sometimes we aren't listening to God when He says to be careful, and sometimes heart brake is the result of a lost and fallen world, and the sad truth that appointments come. But praise God it doesn't have to end there, He is there to hold us and mend our boo boos and wipe away our tears. And stand by us while we wait. 

One foot in front of the other.

When your little and asked what do you want to be when you grow up. I had two answers: 1. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my half a dozen kids. 2. I also wanted to be a Pastors wife. From a very early age I had a heart for children and great compassion towards people. I had this idea in my head, I would meet my prince charming, we would get married, have our litter of little blessings, have the beautiful house with the yard. And be pastoring in a church being a blessing to those around us and we would live happily ever after. Never did I think life would be this hard and brake my heart. And feel at times like drowning. It has taking some big falls to learn how to put one foot in front of the other.


 I met my husband Greg when I was 15. We spent a great deal of time getting to know each other over the phone since we were several hundred miles apart. Shortly after I turned 18 I moved to Alabama and we got married. I knew marriage wasn't going to be easy seeing first hand the home I grew up in. But was excited to start a new journey in my life and a new life with my husband. He and I both grew up in church and both accepted Christ into our hearts as children. We had a bumpy first year with finances, work, and mainly trying to figure out how to live together in love and harmony. We still laugh about how we got into this impressive argument and I stormed out of the house bare foot and told him I was going home {which was a 15 hour drive}. To that he yelled out the window if you leave I am going to call the cops and tell them some crazy women stole my car. Needless to say we always seem to work are disagreements out. Greg felt a calling in high school to be a Pastor and serve God full time. He attended bible college and decided to take a year off and never returned.

 We moved around alot from Huntsville AL, to Birmingham AL to Franklin TN. And so on and so on. We moved so much my dad called me a gypsy and started using stick it notes for our addresses. We moved alot trying to further Gregs career in retail management. We never seemed to find a good fit for a church home. It would be more fair to say we didn't make it a priority. We found out after 3 years of marriage and totally not trying God blessed us with our son Caden. We didn't think we were financially ready and were scared on how we could live off Greg pay check alone. But God paved the way for me to stay home with Caden and we never went without. My pregnancy with Caden was hard. I couldn't figure out why they called it morning sickness when I threw up all day everyday for the first 7 months and the last 2 it settled down to just a few times a week. I had my heart set on a natural delivery but 40 weeks came and he had no sign of wanting out. An ultra sound showed he was weighing over 8lbs and the Doctor told me he didn't think it was going to work. So being very large, tired and so ready to meet who this baby was I agreed to have the C-section. We hadn't found out if he was a boy or a girl, but I knew in my heart he was a boy. Finally the moment came "ITS A BOY!!!" 8lbs 15ounces. Tears of joy just streamed down my face. To say I love him is an understatement. He changed me, from this young girl who got married to a mom. A very heavy responsibility filled with the most incredible joy.

Greg and I bought a our first house when Caden was 6 months old. It was beautiful, in the country, with a big yard. And after so many moves we finally felt at home. After 1 year in our house, and 5 years of marriage. We felt like we created a life for ourselves and started trying for our second baby. Greg worked hard to bring home enough money home to live off of. If we over spent by $10 it would put us in the hole. But we seemed to get by.

And then reality caught up with us. We had spent the first 5 years of marriage not being faithful in a church and not growing together in our walk with Christ. We weren't even walking with Him, we seemed to be happy enough with our get out of Hell free card and went on with our lives. Greg and I started to hate each other. We barley spoke, if we did it was with great resentment. But we ignored the fact that we were so far apart. Until one night when we got into our biggest fight. Words were thrown like knives. He pointed his finger and told me everything that was wrong with me and I did the same. We found out that night our words were the same. The same emptiness that I felt from him he felt from me. We felt great conviction, asked God to forgive us and we recommitted our hearts back to each other and our hearts to Christ. You can't love someone selflessly unless you are in love with Christ who teaches you how. We were faithful in a good church and growing. Repairing the hurt and damage we did to our marriage and strengthening our walk with Christ. In November we found out we were expecting our second blessing. I knew in my heart it was a girl. We had the beautiful baby boy, a baby on the way, we had the beautiful house and we were growing and going to a great church. We were finally settled. But very unsettled in our hearts. If this was it, was it enough? What were we doing to serve Christ, was it just our place to go to church. We prayed God would move in our hearts and lives and lead us. We were ready to stop trying to create the life we thought we wanted and walk faithfully towards the life God desired for our lives. And He did.

Greg was offered a job in Tuscaloosa. God provided us with a great church and a church family who took us in an rented a room out for Greg to stay in until our house sold. I drove back and forth so Caden and I could see him while we were getting the house ready to move. I completely packed up the house and moved all the boxes out to the garage, except for the things we needed on a daily basis. And left for another visit to see Greg. The house had been on the market for 3 months and I was 5 months pregnant. It was getting increasingly difficult to keep driving the 3 hours back and forth and being separated as a family.

My pregnancy was going great. I was feeling the baby moving some even though it was still a little early for that. I found a great OB from a friend at church who was also pregnant. Greg, Caden and myself went in for the big ultra sound. We weren't going to find out what the sex of the baby was again this time, but it was still exciting cause this was the long ultra sound where you get a good look at the baby. Caden was so excited to be a big brother. We got there and the image of the baby went up on the screen. This time something was different. Surely there was something wrong with their ultra sound, I felt like i was staring a hole into the screen. Trying to fight the panic that was ranging in my heart I was able to utter the words, "where is the heart beat". The girl got really quite, so I asked again meanwhile unable to look at Greg or my son to see if they were ok and knew what was happening. She asked me who was my doctor and how far along was I. I replied and told her 23 weeks. She confirmed what I didn't see. "The hearts not beating." All I could do was cover my face with my hands as I was consumed with unbelievable heart brake. I could hear Greg start to cry and ask if it was his fault, with me having to pack up the house and him not being available to do all the packing. Caden got really worried and upset, he didn't understand why mommy and daddy were so sad.

I did my best as I made the calls to let our family know. That night I was incredibly broken, I tried to sleep but I couldn't, I cried all through the night. I would cry softly at times and others I would sob. Greg woke up several times during the night to hold me and do his best to comfort me. I was admitted to the hospital the next day early in the morning to start inducing labor. I walked up to the counter where all the nurses sat. I broke down and wasn't even able to utter my name to tell them why I was there. They took me back to the last room on the Labor and delivery floor so we could have as much privacy as possible. It was a Thursday morning. The nurses were great, they cried with me, and held my hand. I was so scared, scared of the labor, and scared of how much worse the pain would be when I saw the baby I had lost. There was a small chance that my old C-section scar would tear during the labor and delivery and cause hemorrhaging which would result in a hysterectomy. Thursday came and went, Friday came and went, I had contractions but labor wouldn't start. It was hard to hear the other infants crying in the rooms down the hall. They told me Friday night I was aloud to go home and take a shower and get something to eat if I wanted cause I hadn't done neither in the last 2 days. But I refused and they kept going and tried their best to get the labor to start. Finally Saturday evening I was in labor, It was painful, but I think if I stubbed my toe I wouldn't have been able to endure that pain. My heart was broken and hurting I couldn't handle anymore pain. So they gave me some pain reliever. I was really sleepy and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was worried since I had the epidural I wouldn't know the baby was coming and have the baby by myself. The nurse sat beside me and never left my side. I woke up cause I felt something different and asked her if they could check and see what was going on. The Doctor came in and said very sorrowfully that it was time. "The baby is breach, pass the forceps please" The room was deafeningly quite. I could feel as the baby came out. I asked was it a girl, she replied "yes ma'am its a little girl". Greg broke down.  I felt so numb, I couldn't shed a tear. I spent the last 4 days crying my eyes out and not one tear.  I asked to hold her, she was so small. Her eyes were blue, her hands and feet were tiny. But she has all ten fingers and all ten toes. I looked at her and held her for only a moment and I tried to give her to Greg. He was too heart broken and couldn't hold her. So I gave her to the nurses.

We allowed our families to come the next morning to come see her and say good bye if they wanted. It was there in that hospital room I experienced something through all the pain and heart brake. It was the peace of God which passes all understanding. I had moments were God consumed me with comfort and peace. I knew He hadn't left me and was there with me. We named her Sara Haven which mean Gods princess in a safe place. We buried her really close to the house we had in the country, in a baptist church cemetery. Caden now almost 5 knows his baby sister lives in Heaven.

We were faithful to our church there and they were are family and helped carry us through the grief of her loss. They held us accountable to grow in our relationship with Christ.  We were doing great, still struggling with heart break but God really revealed Himself to us during that time. Over a year later Greg came home one day and said he lost his job of 10 years. We moved in with his family until we could get back on our feet. I had peace about his job loss though. I didn't know what we were going to do, but knew God was getting us back to the path He wanted us on. Greg felt God calling him back to full time ministry so he enrolled in at the local community college to start on his basics with the plan if God leads us back to the Bible college were he started. God provided Greg with a store to manage which was the hardest job he has ever had. We struggled to understand why God put him there, but stayed faithful to it till the end even though there was some very underhanded things going on. And he worked 60-70 hour weeks while going to school full time. God provided me with a job where I could still maintain staying home with Caden and help bring some additional money to the table. When Greg took his job we moved out and got an apartment even though he was only making less than $400 a week. We didn't know how we were going to make it but put our trust in God that He would provide. And He did. In strange ways at times. Like one month our utilities, rent and other misc bills were well over what he made that month and I needed to buy Cadens school book $200 and Greg needed school books which were $400. We tithed and continued to have faith that God would provide and one day we got a check in the mail someone gave me $50 because I had done something nice for them like 6 months back. Our car insurance made a mistake and sent a check for $400 and so on. Everything was taking care of. We never went without. I never had allowed myself to see God so clearly.

Gregs job was making us hit our whits end between the stress, the crazy long hours and him unable to go to church on Sundays. And now God is up to something again. We found out the week before Christmas that Greg is facing loosing that job. And again, I have the peace that doesn't make any sense at all. I should be freaking out at the idea of another job loss. But I know this hasn't left Gods hand. Even though we are solely living off my part time pay check we can see God provided and moving in our lives.

 It will be 3 years in March since I delivered Sara and we haven't had another pregnancy. We haven't prevented God from blessing us again. We have put our faith and trust in Him, if and when God sees fit to bless us again it will happen.  I am filled with joy that through all of these storms He is strengthening us and helping us grow and preparing us for the future. Looking back the times where we were at our strongest were when we were at our weakest and had no where to turn but God. The more we spent in prayer and walking with Him the stronger we are and the most at peace we are. I don't walk this scary, uncertain, heart braking life alone. God never left my side, I am truly so undeserving of His love and grace that He goes out of His way to show me everyday. I don't know how it is all going to work out, but it really doesn't matter, I don't need to know. All I know is God is in control and right now He is leading. I feel excited to see where He takes us next.