One foot in front of the other.

When your little and asked what do you want to be when you grow up. I had two answers: 1. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my half a dozen kids. 2. I also wanted to be a Pastors wife. From a very early age I had a heart for children and great compassion towards people. I had this idea in my head, I would meet my prince charming, we would get married, have our litter of little blessings, have the beautiful house with the yard. And be pastoring in a church being a blessing to those around us and we would live happily ever after. Never did I think life would be this hard and brake my heart. And feel at times like drowning. It has taking some big falls to learn how to put one foot in front of the other.


 I met my husband Greg when I was 15. We spent a great deal of time getting to know each other over the phone since we were several hundred miles apart. Shortly after I turned 18 I moved to Alabama and we got married. I knew marriage wasn't going to be easy seeing first hand the home I grew up in. But was excited to start a new journey in my life and a new life with my husband. He and I both grew up in church and both accepted Christ into our hearts as children. We had a bumpy first year with finances, work, and mainly trying to figure out how to live together in love and harmony. We still laugh about how we got into this impressive argument and I stormed out of the house bare foot and told him I was going home {which was a 15 hour drive}. To that he yelled out the window if you leave I am going to call the cops and tell them some crazy women stole my car. Needless to say we always seem to work are disagreements out. Greg felt a calling in high school to be a Pastor and serve God full time. He attended bible college and decided to take a year off and never returned.

 We moved around alot from Huntsville AL, to Birmingham AL to Franklin TN. And so on and so on. We moved so much my dad called me a gypsy and started using stick it notes for our addresses. We moved alot trying to further Gregs career in retail management. We never seemed to find a good fit for a church home. It would be more fair to say we didn't make it a priority. We found out after 3 years of marriage and totally not trying God blessed us with our son Caden. We didn't think we were financially ready and were scared on how we could live off Greg pay check alone. But God paved the way for me to stay home with Caden and we never went without. My pregnancy with Caden was hard. I couldn't figure out why they called it morning sickness when I threw up all day everyday for the first 7 months and the last 2 it settled down to just a few times a week. I had my heart set on a natural delivery but 40 weeks came and he had no sign of wanting out. An ultra sound showed he was weighing over 8lbs and the Doctor told me he didn't think it was going to work. So being very large, tired and so ready to meet who this baby was I agreed to have the C-section. We hadn't found out if he was a boy or a girl, but I knew in my heart he was a boy. Finally the moment came "ITS A BOY!!!" 8lbs 15ounces. Tears of joy just streamed down my face. To say I love him is an understatement. He changed me, from this young girl who got married to a mom. A very heavy responsibility filled with the most incredible joy.

Greg and I bought a our first house when Caden was 6 months old. It was beautiful, in the country, with a big yard. And after so many moves we finally felt at home. After 1 year in our house, and 5 years of marriage. We felt like we created a life for ourselves and started trying for our second baby. Greg worked hard to bring home enough money home to live off of. If we over spent by $10 it would put us in the hole. But we seemed to get by.

And then reality caught up with us. We had spent the first 5 years of marriage not being faithful in a church and not growing together in our walk with Christ. We weren't even walking with Him, we seemed to be happy enough with our get out of Hell free card and went on with our lives. Greg and I started to hate each other. We barley spoke, if we did it was with great resentment. But we ignored the fact that we were so far apart. Until one night when we got into our biggest fight. Words were thrown like knives. He pointed his finger and told me everything that was wrong with me and I did the same. We found out that night our words were the same. The same emptiness that I felt from him he felt from me. We felt great conviction, asked God to forgive us and we recommitted our hearts back to each other and our hearts to Christ. You can't love someone selflessly unless you are in love with Christ who teaches you how. We were faithful in a good church and growing. Repairing the hurt and damage we did to our marriage and strengthening our walk with Christ. In November we found out we were expecting our second blessing. I knew in my heart it was a girl. We had the beautiful baby boy, a baby on the way, we had the beautiful house and we were growing and going to a great church. We were finally settled. But very unsettled in our hearts. If this was it, was it enough? What were we doing to serve Christ, was it just our place to go to church. We prayed God would move in our hearts and lives and lead us. We were ready to stop trying to create the life we thought we wanted and walk faithfully towards the life God desired for our lives. And He did.

Greg was offered a job in Tuscaloosa. God provided us with a great church and a church family who took us in an rented a room out for Greg to stay in until our house sold. I drove back and forth so Caden and I could see him while we were getting the house ready to move. I completely packed up the house and moved all the boxes out to the garage, except for the things we needed on a daily basis. And left for another visit to see Greg. The house had been on the market for 3 months and I was 5 months pregnant. It was getting increasingly difficult to keep driving the 3 hours back and forth and being separated as a family.

My pregnancy was going great. I was feeling the baby moving some even though it was still a little early for that. I found a great OB from a friend at church who was also pregnant. Greg, Caden and myself went in for the big ultra sound. We weren't going to find out what the sex of the baby was again this time, but it was still exciting cause this was the long ultra sound where you get a good look at the baby. Caden was so excited to be a big brother. We got there and the image of the baby went up on the screen. This time something was different. Surely there was something wrong with their ultra sound, I felt like i was staring a hole into the screen. Trying to fight the panic that was ranging in my heart I was able to utter the words, "where is the heart beat". The girl got really quite, so I asked again meanwhile unable to look at Greg or my son to see if they were ok and knew what was happening. She asked me who was my doctor and how far along was I. I replied and told her 23 weeks. She confirmed what I didn't see. "The hearts not beating." All I could do was cover my face with my hands as I was consumed with unbelievable heart brake. I could hear Greg start to cry and ask if it was his fault, with me having to pack up the house and him not being available to do all the packing. Caden got really worried and upset, he didn't understand why mommy and daddy were so sad.

I did my best as I made the calls to let our family know. That night I was incredibly broken, I tried to sleep but I couldn't, I cried all through the night. I would cry softly at times and others I would sob. Greg woke up several times during the night to hold me and do his best to comfort me. I was admitted to the hospital the next day early in the morning to start inducing labor. I walked up to the counter where all the nurses sat. I broke down and wasn't even able to utter my name to tell them why I was there. They took me back to the last room on the Labor and delivery floor so we could have as much privacy as possible. It was a Thursday morning. The nurses were great, they cried with me, and held my hand. I was so scared, scared of the labor, and scared of how much worse the pain would be when I saw the baby I had lost. There was a small chance that my old C-section scar would tear during the labor and delivery and cause hemorrhaging which would result in a hysterectomy. Thursday came and went, Friday came and went, I had contractions but labor wouldn't start. It was hard to hear the other infants crying in the rooms down the hall. They told me Friday night I was aloud to go home and take a shower and get something to eat if I wanted cause I hadn't done neither in the last 2 days. But I refused and they kept going and tried their best to get the labor to start. Finally Saturday evening I was in labor, It was painful, but I think if I stubbed my toe I wouldn't have been able to endure that pain. My heart was broken and hurting I couldn't handle anymore pain. So they gave me some pain reliever. I was really sleepy and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was worried since I had the epidural I wouldn't know the baby was coming and have the baby by myself. The nurse sat beside me and never left my side. I woke up cause I felt something different and asked her if they could check and see what was going on. The Doctor came in and said very sorrowfully that it was time. "The baby is breach, pass the forceps please" The room was deafeningly quite. I could feel as the baby came out. I asked was it a girl, she replied "yes ma'am its a little girl". Greg broke down.  I felt so numb, I couldn't shed a tear. I spent the last 4 days crying my eyes out and not one tear.  I asked to hold her, she was so small. Her eyes were blue, her hands and feet were tiny. But she has all ten fingers and all ten toes. I looked at her and held her for only a moment and I tried to give her to Greg. He was too heart broken and couldn't hold her. So I gave her to the nurses.

We allowed our families to come the next morning to come see her and say good bye if they wanted. It was there in that hospital room I experienced something through all the pain and heart brake. It was the peace of God which passes all understanding. I had moments were God consumed me with comfort and peace. I knew He hadn't left me and was there with me. We named her Sara Haven which mean Gods princess in a safe place. We buried her really close to the house we had in the country, in a baptist church cemetery. Caden now almost 5 knows his baby sister lives in Heaven.

We were faithful to our church there and they were are family and helped carry us through the grief of her loss. They held us accountable to grow in our relationship with Christ.  We were doing great, still struggling with heart break but God really revealed Himself to us during that time. Over a year later Greg came home one day and said he lost his job of 10 years. We moved in with his family until we could get back on our feet. I had peace about his job loss though. I didn't know what we were going to do, but knew God was getting us back to the path He wanted us on. Greg felt God calling him back to full time ministry so he enrolled in at the local community college to start on his basics with the plan if God leads us back to the Bible college were he started. God provided Greg with a store to manage which was the hardest job he has ever had. We struggled to understand why God put him there, but stayed faithful to it till the end even though there was some very underhanded things going on. And he worked 60-70 hour weeks while going to school full time. God provided me with a job where I could still maintain staying home with Caden and help bring some additional money to the table. When Greg took his job we moved out and got an apartment even though he was only making less than $400 a week. We didn't know how we were going to make it but put our trust in God that He would provide. And He did. In strange ways at times. Like one month our utilities, rent and other misc bills were well over what he made that month and I needed to buy Cadens school book $200 and Greg needed school books which were $400. We tithed and continued to have faith that God would provide and one day we got a check in the mail someone gave me $50 because I had done something nice for them like 6 months back. Our car insurance made a mistake and sent a check for $400 and so on. Everything was taking care of. We never went without. I never had allowed myself to see God so clearly.

Gregs job was making us hit our whits end between the stress, the crazy long hours and him unable to go to church on Sundays. And now God is up to something again. We found out the week before Christmas that Greg is facing loosing that job. And again, I have the peace that doesn't make any sense at all. I should be freaking out at the idea of another job loss. But I know this hasn't left Gods hand. Even though we are solely living off my part time pay check we can see God provided and moving in our lives.

 It will be 3 years in March since I delivered Sara and we haven't had another pregnancy. We haven't prevented God from blessing us again. We have put our faith and trust in Him, if and when God sees fit to bless us again it will happen.  I am filled with joy that through all of these storms He is strengthening us and helping us grow and preparing us for the future. Looking back the times where we were at our strongest were when we were at our weakest and had no where to turn but God. The more we spent in prayer and walking with Him the stronger we are and the most at peace we are. I don't walk this scary, uncertain, heart braking life alone. God never left my side, I am truly so undeserving of His love and grace that He goes out of His way to show me everyday. I don't know how it is all going to work out, but it really doesn't matter, I don't need to know. All I know is God is in control and right now He is leading. I feel excited to see where He takes us next.